For months, I've been dealing with a big decision to play field hockey in college or not. Wrote down a list of pro's and con's, spent hours talking about it to friends and trusted advisors, and dug real deep within myself to figure out what I wanted.
First question I always ask myself: Why is this such a big deal in the first place? Really though, why is it? Why am I playing field hockey?
Throughout my whole journey with pain (and even before that), it has been one of the most stable things in my life. I started playing in middle school, and loved it ever since. I love the social aspect of it, having a team be your family. I love the competitiveness in the game. I love learning new stick skills, and applying it to games and seeing it be done well. Just everything: the rivalry, successes, failures, pre-season, conditioning, friends, coaches, night games, scrimmages .. you name it!
Even with my pain, it just made me work so much harder because I didn't want my pain to affect any part of that. This sport has been one of my greatest successes but one of my biggest stressors too.
I really don't want to give power to my pain, and personify it. I also don't want to say that it changed my whole perspective about it. But to be completely honest, it has.
After going through with all of this, I know that field hockey is not my number one priority, not at all. I am my number one priority: my health, happiness, future, and education.
A sport can be taken away from anyone at any given time, whether due to injury, stress, academics, anything. It never really lasts forever. The choices are; do I want it to end after my senior year, or in another 4 years.
Personally, I am at peace with either situation (which of course, barely helps the pickle that I am in now). Of course, I will pick my college first based on my major. If there is a hockey team there, that's awesome, I'll contact the coach. If it doesn't have hockey or the coach isn't interested in me, then I guess it's over. I mean I'd be sad, but life goes on.
Just a week ago, I was perfectly at peace with not playing in college. Now that I truly love life again, I want to live my life again and experience all of it. I didn't want a sport to become my life in college and of course I did not want it to interfere with my education.
After having a huge heart to heart with my field hockey coach, I now have to question myself all over again. Seriously, I don't know how she does it, but my coach knows me better than anyone else. She even knows me better than I know my own self. After even just looking at me, she can tell what I am thinking in an instant. I've never had a person without RND ever fully understand my pain, but she does. I am so eternally grateful to have her in my life. My coach is one of those bright, bubbly people that you would be blessed with to just even have a conversation with her. Seriously, she brights up any room she walks into and you can just feel this like positive aura around her.
Sorry getting a little sentimental, but anyways. She made me realize what I was trying to figure out all along.
Her conversation made me question myself. Each time I walk onto the field, I try to remember the passion I had for this sport...
And I can't find it anymore.
There is a clear difference between loving something and having passion for it. I used to have a passion for field hockey, but now I just love it.
I admit it, I'm not focused. I haven't been in years. It's normal and you can't blame me. I've to take care of myself, all by myself, for over the past 2 years because of my pain. People have said that if I never got this pain disorder, I would be fully committed to playing in college. I 100% agree with that statement. But, I can't say that because I can't take away the struggles I'm going through. There is no magic cure. It's a big part of me. I'm not saying that i'm letting this pain define me, I'm saying that the struggle itself has changed me.
I do believe that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is one of those instances. Right now, i'm at peace with my decision to not play. If i change my mind, then i'll cross that bridge when I get there.
