The other day, I had an appointment with the program psychologist. After I talked with her, I met up with some RND friends and hung out around the hospital. I really wanted to visit my physician and hopefully be able to talk to him, so we walked upstairs to the play deck. I walk outside and talked to a couple of my physical therapists. It was so great to see them. I look across the play deck; sitting there in jeans, adidas shoes, and a t-shirt was my physician, and he was looking back at me and smiling.
I walked right up to him and said hi. He was busy reading something on his phone so I waited. Then, he got up, gave me a big hug, and said "What's up dude?" I had the biggest smile on my face. He took my arm and guided me over to the opposite corner of the play deck away from everyone to talk.
He sat right next to me and asked how everything was. The first thing I asked was, "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?" He sighed and had this sad look on his face. He was like, "Meg.. I didn't tell you because I found out in mid-April that I was leaving for California. The last time I saw you was March 30th, and I wanted to tell you in person. I'm not leaving you, I would never leave you hanging. I care about you so much, I really do."
I forgave him, and told him that I'd see him one last time on May 28th. He said, " You better have made an appointment with me. If you didn't, I would've called and yelled Megan, Megan, you better come in right this second!!"
I was cracking up.
We joked around a little, but this conversation was mainly serious. We talked about summer plans, family, his wife and his plans for California. He slipped to me that he loves the song Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift. That song will forever make me think of him. Also, he is a terrible lipreader. And no, he is not a surfer.
I finally had the guts to tell him something i've always wanted to say. "Bernal, thank you so much for everything. Thank you so much for truly caring about me. I've had doctors that flat out treated me like crap and treated my mother like crap. When I was admitted freshman year, my neurologist sat at the end of my hospital bed and still treated me bad," (He looked down and looked upset) " Your actions mean the world to me and you mean a lot to me, you changed my life."
He said, "Meg, this means so much to me, more than you know."
I also told him that I finally understood what his psych comment. After the program, I felt so high off of life. I was literally on top of the world. I just made it through the hardest thing that I'd ever have to go through in my life. I had this newfound strength and energy and I was prepared to put it all to school and field hockey and changing my life around. My pain wasn't better at all yet, but I felt like I could live again.
A month later, my pain actually started getting better. The intensity decreased a lot, and I went for hours during a day without pain. It was amazing. But at the end of September, I suffered a horrible head injury from field hockey. My pain was so bad during that time that I really thought I was going to die. It was the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. That intensity went down after a week or two, but my pain went back to the way it used to be before I went into the program.
I woke up one day and decided I couldn't handle this pain anymore and I didn't want to live with it. I did everything I could to resist the pain.
Now I know that I have to accept where I am right now. You have to play the cards your dealt with. No matter how much I try to fight this, I will have this pain right now. For the past months, I've been working on this and I picked up my mentality back, and it's even better than ever.
He said that's part of it, but the main part of the psych is letting go. Letting go of the pain. It doesn't make sense to people because the definition of that phrase is relative to everyone, but it makes perfect sense to me. Letting go is not letting the pain define you. Letting go is not obsessing over this pain. Letting go is getting rid of all the anger, frustration, and denial that comes along with it. Letting go is being aware of your limitations, and working with it. Letting go is starting over.
His heart to heart made me feel completely safe and secure, and it was the most we've ever seriously talked. He is an amazing man.
I've always had the concept of letting go, but I could never describe it to anyone, because I wasn't ready to let go. You have to reach a certain point to do this. It takes a lot of time and effort, and i completed this task.
His heart to heart turned a light bulb on in my head. I told him, "I'm okay right now, I think i'm good."
He said "yes Meg, you are good right now, but overall and later you aren't doing well, and I know that."
He finally understands me and I think he accepts my mentality.
I am scared for the future and I will easily admit that. I don't know what he will say at my appointment, I don't know what they will do to help me, I don't know what I'll do when he leaves for California, and I don't know what will happen to me.
In this particular moment in time, I feel okay. I feel safe, knowing that he will always be here for me, and that I have wonderful people here to catch me when I fall. Better yet, I feel safe knowing how strong I am and the ability I have to take care of myself.
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