3/26 part 2. Bittersweet

A word I would describe today would be Bittersweet.

This morning I had my 6 month follow up from the program.

So I come in at 7:45 for my 8:00 appointment, get my vitals taken, and sit in a room waiting for my doctors. I always meet with my nurse practitioner, Julie, first for like an hour before Dr. Bernal comes in.

I came in today with a 9/10 pain. I told her that I'm still so high functioning but my pain's getting worse and spreading. I explained that the pain spread to my hands and my knees and below. It is actually scary how bad my knees hurt. Indoor field hockey has been such a big struggle. I cried my eyes out after every game, and had a bucket near me because I got incredibly nauseous after I exercise and play. My concentration in school has been dwindling; even some of my teachers had mentioned that to me. I also said that I was still seeing Kim (the psychologist from the program) every 2 weeks and talk to her about everything and my mentality is so awesome. I am in a much better place mentally then I was 6 months ago. But physically, I am not.

After that, we got off topic a little, joked around, and talked about prom and life.
 She was like "first of all i'm so proud of you for keeping up your function, obviously this isnt easy. I dont understand why it spread because you responded so well from the program. and you're doing everything you're supposed to do and beyond. I'm not going to tell you to do Outpatient PT because you are too high functioning. I think I might want you to go back to the program because you did so well from it, I just need to talk to Bernal about all this." Then she asked what I thought, and I was like, "I honestly dont care what I do, all I want is your guys' help. By the way, I almost cried explaining everything to her.


So she leaves and talks to Dr. Bernal. Bernal comes in and we catch up on life. He sits down right next to me on like the table, and he was like," What do you want to know from us?" I asked like why did it get worse and what to do now.

He examined my function, talked about life, had a mini heart to heart, and joked around.

Then things got serious.
Bernal was like," I think its all the psychological aspect now. You aren't giving yourself enough credit, and you're looking at the glass half empty. You have done so much for yourself these past couple of months and done well, and all you see is how much pain you're in." I was like well you can't blame me, I mean I haven't been feeling too hot.

 We legit had moments where we just stared at each other for a while. It was really intense. He was said to come back in 3 months and  he thinks my pain will be better by then if I keep up all my work. I asked him if he promised that I would be better. I felt like such a child. This whole time my pain has made me grow up early, and all I could ask at the end was "do you promise?" I felt so small.

I even told him that I've been working really hard physically and in therapy. I've been talking about everything uncomfortable and everything in general. Also, I said that if I came in today with a 5/10 and my pain didn't spread, then I wouldn't have a problem. But the fact that it's getting worse is a problem.

I almost cried at the end again so he just pulled me in and held me. I love Dr. Bernal so much but I didn't know if that was exactly what I wanted to hear. But of course, nothing is ever easy in life.

On the other hand, I had the best day ever with my best friend.

It was another "Pure Bliss" kind of day. 

Picture walking around one of the country's most beautiful campuses (UPenn) on a beautiful sunny day with your best friend. Going out to eat, exploring the city, and laughing at whatever jokes were shared. 
My day in a nutshell. It was much needed after today/ this week.

She knew I had my 6 month follow up, so like any true friend, she skipped school and came down to CHOP for me. I was walking over to the Seashore house from the Wood building to visit some of the physical therapists and occupational therapists. My mom was recapping the appointment with me and expressing some of her views and concerns. I was still processing it all in my head. I was literally on the verge of crying when I look over and see my best friend walking towards me to give me a hug. I gave a huge sigh of relief and ran toward her. Boy did I need her.

We had some appointments to attend first before we could go out to lunch. We both were finished at 11:00 and walked on over to Mad Mex.

Best time ever. We had lunch for about an hour and talked about EVERYTHING. Some were random topics, but most were really heart to hearts. She had topics to vent about and I did too. She let me fully explain my appointment and talk about it. It felt so good just sharing everything out loud, and especially to someone that I knew actually cared and would give me advice. So of course, she gave me so much advice about it and made me feel so much better about the whole situation. If it wasn't for her, then I would still be a total wreck right now.

Then, we proceeded to go adventuring around the campus (which is my favorite thing in the world to do). Honestly, we probably walked a couple miles. Apparently, Meg looked like she knew what she was doing, so random people asked us for directions. It was hilarious. It was a bummer though that she didn't tell them in a British accent, she speaks in a great one LOL. (true story). 

Point of the story, it was nice to not even think about my pain or any of my issues for even just one afternoon. We just did our own thing, had a good time, and just enjoyed each other's company. She is completely right - "Life is most enjoyable when filled with the things and people that you love"